20 January 2012

Trying to climb out of the darkness

A few months ago Jason and I were leaving a party, and I was beyond frustrated with him.  It never fails that whenever we go to a friend's house I am left to take care of Adelai.  Meaning I spend the majority of my night making sure she does not do harm to herself, our friends' belongings, children, and pets; and then spending more time trying to get her to sleep in a strange place.  

As we were driving home, I was simply livid with him.  I had no right to be as I never asked him for assistance.  Yet, in my mind I could not understand why he did not offer help when it was obvious I was struggling.   He turned to me and asked, "Are you ok?".  It was then that I could not even utter the words to tell him what I was thinking.  I just cried.  And cried. And cried some more. 

Jason then began telling me he was worried about me.  How stressed and anxiety ridden I seemed ever since I had given birth. How it seemed like I was simply miserable and hated life.  How I never smiled or laughed anymore.

He was right.  I was all of those things and more.

I was miserable because I was hating being a mom.  I felt as if I was simply not cut out for this motherhood gig.  No one prepared me for how unbearable listening to your own child cry truly is.  Let alone how unnerving it is when they simply just make noise and you have no idea what is wrong--they are simply just making noise.   

I was micromanaging Addie to the point where it was affecting my relationship with Jason.  The only way I could figure out how to be a mom was to micromanage her, and I could not let Jason do anything because he would not do it right.  Only I knew what she needed.  Letting anyone else take care of her would send me into a panic attack.

Basically, any thing you could do wrong I was doing wrong.  Probably still am. 

Since that night, I have been talking with a counselor to help me come to terms with the biggest adjustment of my life--having Addie.  Even writing that seems ridiculous because of course having a child is the biggest adjustment of your life.  Yet, I needed help adjusting because somehow those 9+ months of pregnancy did not really click with me that my life was forever changing.  

Dealing with post-partum depression is odd and difficult. Your hormones are still out of control, especially if you are breastfeeding, which amplifies EVERY. LITTLE. THING. You know you should be thrilled you have this amazing little person that you get to show the world to, and you are happy. You are. You look at your child and love them so much it kills you, and then your mind starts reeling and spinning off into a dark place.  That's where the trouble starts.  When you let the fear of  the awful what-ifs overtake your normal rational thoughts.  Especially, when you were a decently rational person prior to having a child.

It's even more frustrating to realize you have become "one of those" women that suffer from post-partum depression that you get so many pamphlets on while pregnant.  When you get those pamphlets, you think "Nah, that won't happen to me! I am strong. I am smart...I will be so overjoyed to have my sweet little bundle of joy."   But post-partum depression is not picky, and it truly can affect anyone.  Gosh, that sounds corny but it is so true.

So I have had to find ways to deal with my own issues, with the help of my therapist. (Military wives, I have to say I am really grateful for MilitaryOneSource.  It is such a great resource and I urge you to contact them if you just need someone to talk to).  I am working on being happier daily.  Some days are better than others.  Some are worse.  I struggle to remind myself that it is ok if I hate being a mom at times.  It does not mean I hate my child, because I don't.  I constantly second-guess everything I do and every decision I make, which I never did before having Addie.  I am working on being a more confident mom.  I am working on being ok with this new version of me, because there is no going back to who I was before having my sweet Adelai.

19 January 2012

Swinging away...

I promise this post is G rated, despite the title.  (Now that I wrote that line, I am pretty sure Dallas wrote something similar in one her posts, but I swear I cannot come up with a better title and I am lazily leaving it this way...)

Honestly, I do not have much to say for this post, as I simply just want to share pictures of Addie's first time in a big girl swing. Or well the infant swing...but whatever it is a big girl swing!  She was quite of unsure of what was going on at first, but she finally gave in and enjoyed it!

I had fun taking pictures again for the first time in forever, and it makes me want to get my camera out more often and take it up as hobby more.  First, I have to get through this whole thesis  thing that is due by March...then we can think about having fun!  Once I graduate, more photography is my goal!


There is nothing remarkable about this picture. Except in the background you will see a guy with a girl in a stroller.  That is OUR stroller. This guy, I believe he was German which is not odd for where we live, just went up to our stroller put his little girl in it and started wheeling her around.  And then he returned it when he was done...  I was not mad, I was just perplexed and amused.

Ok...this is interesting...


What is this thing you have me in Dad...

She's contemplating her escape...

And finally having some fun!

I loved this look she was giving me!

She is ready for the presidential fitness challenge!

Addie and Dad pretend to slide...

07 January 2012

Christmas & 2011 Recap

Christmas was wonderful.  Between the holiday party at the Broussards, (check out Dallas' post about it, it was truly a great time! And there are some fun pics!) and my family coming in--it was a blast.  I just hate it went by so quickly. 

Addie wound up getting strep throat AGAIN during Christmas.  So I was busy trying to deal with her and her fever/crankiness; we had a blast regardless.  From our first annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party (that Colin won!!) to our fun gag gift/secret santa exchange, we somehow kept ourselves so busy on Christmas eve that we wound up not eating dinner until almost 9:00 pm!! 

Anyway, you will see most of our Xmas fun in the pics, but I want to recap 2011.

2011, a year in review...

  • Started off the year pregnant. 
  • Got into a fight with a Jaguar dealership.
  • Flew to Mississippi for a baby shower.
  • Had my best friends visit me in Dallas for a fun girl's weekend before Addie's arrival. 
  • Was one of the few women who actually had her water break before going to the hospital.  It is not nearly as exciting as the movies makes it seem.  Honestly, it was more akin to thinking you just peed your pants.
  • Gave birth to the most amazing little girl--forever changing our lives.
  • Spent many nights awake trying to get said amazing little girl to go to sleep.
  • Jason miraculously finished PIT while having a newborn keeping him awake at all hours.
  • Somehow survived one of the hottest summers on record in Wichita Falls, Texas.
  • Took Adelai on her first vacation via airplane.
  • Became one of "those" moms and joined Stroller Strides. Yes it is a good workout...:0p
  • Decided to go back to work part-time.  
  • Continued feeling guilty for that decision. But it has been good for me and Addie.
  • Spent Adelai's first Thanksgiving with both of us sick!
  • Met Lady Antebellum...
  • Ended the year with an 8 month old crawling around my house.
One of the best parts of 2011 was obviously Adelai, but it also has been gaining our friends here in Wichita Falls.  They have been our rock and sanity, and our family when our family is not here to support us.  Yes, I know that is mushy, but it is also incredibly true.  When we were stationed in Grand Forks, we honestly did not have the support system of friends there that we now have.  Being in Wichita Falls has been such a blessing for both our happiness and health! I cannot imagine going through all of the life altering events of 2011 in North Dakota, and I am thankful I do not have to!

Now for fun pictures of Christmas! I apologize in advance for how many pictures there are...

Jason's grandmother, Grandma Walker, finally got to visit to meet Addie!
She loves Santa.

Just kinda liked this shot... 
She was actually not a fan of the Seahawk Santa hat...

Happy girl!!

Colin and Brendan!

Christmas Eve nap...she was just not feeling well!
But she still looked cute!

Jason's Ugly Christmas Sweater outfit...
Yes those are women's pants, and no I probably
shouldn't be telling you that..

Dad! I loved that he posed this way..

Tori and her 80's inspired outfit! Which actually turned out to be cute!

Mom and her sweater! She added a lot to it! 
My very uninspired sweater.  Let's just say I got ZERO votes!
I put more of my effort into Jason's outfit... 
The winner, COLIN!!! His green pants were
actually ones he owned for golfing. Ha!

Adelai attempting to open a gift!

The obligatory photo of Jason pretending to rip into a present.

Dad opening his yearly gift of fishing lures...

Jason must have been a good boy to get this from Santa!

29 December 2011

More Myrtle Beach Fun & Adventures at ECU!!

As I have finally uploaded the rest of my iPhone pictures, here are a few more snapshots of our time in Myrtle Beach.

Look at those little legs in the seawater!

Napping on the beach, such a luxury!

I just loved this one of them!

Possibly my favorite picture of Addie and Dave! Look at how tiny she looks in his hands!
"What are these things Mom?"

So after Myrtle Beach, we were scheduled to meet Grandpa Dave in Greenville, North Carolina, home of East Carolina University.  For some reason I thought it would be a great idea to take all of us to a football game...except we have an infant.  Who was barely 5 months old.  Possibly the stupidest idea I have ever had, but thank goodness Grandpa Dave was thinking.  He bought these adorable ear protectors for the noise, because ECU fans can get pretty rowdy.  Addie was pretty calm until they scored a touchdown, so glad we had the ear MooMoos!

Despite it being a rather ill-planned idea, we still had a great time.  Jason was in heaven being back at ECU and getting to watch the game in person.  For me it was special because I finally got to see where he went to college.  Jason met me while I was attending MUW, so he knew me and my college experience. He knew what my dorms were like, and who my friends were. In a way, he got to share that experience with me.  So I have felt I missed that part of his life, which may seem silly to others--but I always feel like I have missed so much of Jason's life before we met.  And when I finally get to see where he grew up or where he went to college, I feel like I know him even better. 

Anyway, I can't even tell you if ECU actually won that day--I think maybe they did.  I was too busy taking care of Addie so Jason could enjoy the game.  But after the game we took a tour of campus which was fun for me at least!

Oh one more important event happened this day as well--we got to meet up with our wonderful friends from SOS (Squadron Officer School), the Johnsons! Since we have left our SOS family, we have all wound up having babies! They had a beautiful little boy, Bradley, who will someday be Adelai's boyfriend!  It was good catching up with them, but it was much too short of a visit.  It is one thing, however, that I love about the military.  Wherever you go you always have your Air Force family to visit with!

Jason (holding my kate spade diaper bag!), me, Addie, Heather, Bradley & Bill
 Now for some ECU Pics! They are not organized well, but you will get the point!


Adelai hanging out with the Gparents!

Grandpa Dave magically got her to nap amongst the madness!

There is a reason that ECU is deemed a party school...

Now this is tailgating!

The reason Jason and I met!

Jason's first dorm!! (I think..)

I hate that this picture is blurry, but I love it nonetheless.