As we were driving home, I was simply livid with him. I had no right to be as I never asked him for assistance. Yet, in my mind I could not understand why he did not offer help when it was obvious I was struggling. He turned to me and asked, "Are you ok?". It was then that I could not even utter the words to tell him what I was thinking. I just cried. And cried. And cried some more.
Jason then began telling me he was worried about me. How stressed and anxiety ridden I seemed ever since I had given birth. How it seemed like I was simply miserable and hated life. How I never smiled or laughed anymore.
He was right. I was all of those things and more.
I was miserable because I was hating being a mom. I felt as if I was simply not cut out for this motherhood gig. No one prepared me for how unbearable listening to your own child cry truly is. Let alone how unnerving it is when they simply just make noise and you have no idea what is wrong--they are simply just making noise.
I was micromanaging Addie to the point where it was affecting my relationship with Jason. The only way I could figure out how to be a mom was to micromanage her, and I could not let Jason do anything because he would not do it right. Only I knew what she needed. Letting anyone else take care of her would send me into a panic attack.
Basically, any thing you could do wrong I was doing wrong. Probably still am.
Since that night, I have been talking with a counselor to help me come to terms with the biggest adjustment of my life--having Addie. Even writing that seems ridiculous because of course having a child is the biggest adjustment of your life. Yet, I needed help adjusting because somehow those 9+ months of pregnancy did not really click with me that my life was forever changing.
Dealing with post-partum depression is odd and difficult. Your hormones are still out of control, especially if you are breastfeeding, which amplifies EVERY. LITTLE. THING. You know you should be thrilled you have this amazing little person that you get to show the world to, and you are happy. You are. You look at your child and love them so much it kills you, and then your mind starts reeling and spinning off into a dark place. That's where the trouble starts. When you let the fear of the awful what-ifs overtake your normal rational thoughts. Especially, when you were a decently rational person prior to having a child.
It's even more frustrating to realize you have become "one of those" women that suffer from post-partum depression that you get so many pamphlets on while pregnant. When you get those pamphlets, you think "Nah, that won't happen to me! I am strong. I am smart...I will be so overjoyed to have my sweet little bundle of joy." But post-partum depression is not picky, and it truly can affect anyone. Gosh, that sounds corny but it is so true.
So I have had to find ways to deal with my own issues, with the help of my therapist. (Military wives, I have to say I am really grateful for MilitaryOneSource. It is such a great resource and I urge you to contact them if you just need someone to talk to). I am working on being happier daily. Some days are better than others. Some are worse. I struggle to remind myself that it is ok if I hate being a mom at times. It does not mean I hate my child, because I don't. I constantly second-guess everything I do and every decision I make, which I never did before having Addie. I am working on being a more confident mom. I am working on being ok with this new version of me, because there is no going back to who I was before having my sweet Adelai.